Maybe you’ve experience these, maybe these sounds familiar to you too.
I am exhausted, and feeling so out of sync, so chaotic and lost. I come here through recommandation of friends, Olivia and Chris.

I always think that I could try to solve problems on my own, I will sit down think about the problem, analyse what happen and list out what I can do. I find ways, and if there is a solution I will try to work it out. All these almost 3 years keeping mainly to myself, and now I feel so totally ruined.

The whole thing start off when I am in a foreign place and I went with a whole group of classmates. I am very close to one of these friend that is of different course, but attend the same university. He’s a person I am always eager to talk to and meet with. I can say I am very mentally attach to him, and he somehow affects me and plays an important role in my heart. I’m in love with this guy, in which he had no idea what type of relationship we were both in. Friends around prompt him for answers and keeping alert to find out the answer. One day, a misunderstanding happened. Even me till now I didn’t know what had happen, but he didn’t want to talk to me much anymore. I could feel him rejecting me in someway, still talking to me but as a ‘polite way’. He didn’t even want to look into my eyes anymore when we talk, the mutual trust and friendship starts falling apart. I try to talk to him about what happen, but it seems that he’s too afraid to know that I cross the boundary of friendship. I am quiet most of the time, try not to bring this out, and pretending myself to be happy in many group gathering. I laugh I joke I join in with everyone while quietly observing him.

After a few months went on, he found himself a girlfriend, whom is of my classmate. And now I’m trying to back away from bumping into them, and to avoid the questions thrown by some classmates randomly ask me, did they belong together? How does the whole thing starts? While I am smiling at them and being happy for them, I feel lonely in my heart, and definately I can’t avoid the sadness although I wanted to. I try to think that nothing has ever happen between us, and he did nothing wrong and I should be happy for him as a friend. But random discussion among friends do break me over and over again. If I express my anger, I have no reason to. I am never his ex girlfriend or so, I can’t do that to him or her. However he wanted to be ‘protective’ over me, and afraid that I can’t handle things alone in a foreign country, and insist that I stay together in the same house. Well I don’t really remember how I promise and say I am fine and find myself struggle through the whole year seeing him and her in the same house and I can’t hide myself from their chatter at night when the walls are too thin. I feel so deprivingly stupid and so non-controllable over my own life.

And now after everything has been over and I came back here, along with the classmates all working in Malaysia. I thought I could finally just throw away what had happen, and things I never have express out and share among friends to find a solution. I thought I could go through them all by myself. Not giving up they still do contact me and want to meet me back in class gathering, and even he still contact me and want me to talk about what had happen in the past. Now, he wanted to face the problem and solve it although it’s been a long 2 years. I am exhauted. I’ve been so dying wanting to know the problem all these while however finally I come to the point that realising what is the problem is not important anymore, since I am the only person seeking for the answer. And now he wanted to bring these all back I am feeling so sick to even want to start thinking back how unhappy I was. However i did attend church services there, talking with the locals and meet with some friends. I used to think that God have to lead me through such a difficult path, and I can’t escape from it and I keep asking Him why he do that? Ask Him why does he choose all these difficult 2 years for me while I have no place to run to. He lead me meet with myself, and learning more new things and think in a more ‘open minded’ way.

It is weird, that I never utter these to many friends whom known me, and thinking that I am always a happy go lucky girl. Not even of the friends that have known me long and keep contacting me knows about this. However I am sharinig it out with friends here, of whom I have never meet with and you have not meet me yet. It feels so relieve now, that I could finally express what I wanted to say.

Do you think my way of handling things is wrong?
I just wish that I could start everything over again and I could meet with friends that could together do something. I wanted to attend church meetings and meet with more people. I know I will, soon after I could work myself out in the first job and afford myself a car I could drive around^^. I’m just a stubborn girl wanting to try to get something out of my own effort.

thanks for reading this article. I’ve shared it with someone else that have lessen my burden. I hope one day I could do the same for u too.